The Brexit Hall of Lame: Theresa May

The Brexit Hall of Lame: Theresa May

Part three in the tedious series

Theresa May, née Brasier, was born on 1 October 1856. Daughter of the Male Vicar of Trumpton and a mother who was prominent in the Camberwick Green Conservative Party, Theresa May would later channel the influences of both herr parents by translating the teachings of Jesus Christ into political sermons with such themes as Hate Thy Neighbour, Blessed are the Piss-Takers, and The Dark Parable of the Do-Gooder Samaritan. Young Theresa Brasier spent herr childhood happily destroying the livelihoods by trampling their wheat crops into the ground while dreaming of one day being a grown woman with the power to destroy entire families, communities, and even countries. She did a degree in Geography at St. Hugh’s College, Oxford, a subject that has no known connection with her husband’s work for the Capital Group financial company or its special interests in tax havens and lucrative weapons markets in a variety of the world's war zones.

In 1997 Thereza May became MP for Maidenhead, Berks, and in 2002, according to the sensible, none-of-your-PC-nonsense authors of her Wikipedia and biography.com entries, “the first female Chairman of the Conservative Party.” She famously said at the time that the Tories must “no longer be known as the Nasty Party” and must therefore rebrand their divide and kill politics as “One Nation Conservatism” and “Compassionate Conservatism.” When herr younger, less experienced, but more male, well-born, and hoggosexually well-connected colleague David Cameron Twat became Prime Minister ahead of herr, he appointed herr Minister for Women’s Inequality and Secretary of Hate at the Home Office. She quickly lost interest in the first appointment and resigned it in order to focus more closely, as Home Secretary, on destroying the Police Force and on creating a Hostile Environment of “Fuck Off” vans, illegal deportations, and depriving lifelong taxpayers of NHS treatment for the crime of contracting cancer while Black.

Herr hateful deeds were rewarded by a Tory Party that voted herr their leader and therefore Prime Minister following the resignation of the dunderheaded, ham-faced pie who’d led the country to catastrophe and who she should have been effortlessly able to outshine. She could, for instance, have pointed out that the blunderingly ill-conceived EU referendum was won by a toxic combination of professional charlatans, blatant liars, bigots, outright Nazis, internet trolls, Steve Bannon, and Vladimir Putin, and even then with a Yes from only 52 percent of voters, a minority of the entire electorate, minorities in Northern Ireland and Scotland, and a small minority among young people suddenly facing the elimination of their birthright citizenship and the evaporation of a lifetime of all kinds of opportunity. She might have thereby laid the ground for the soft brexit that many leavers expressly voted for and that might have won the support of at least some remainers. But no. She said instead that “Brexit means Brexit,” a phrase that simultaneously evokes the spirit of telling-it-like-it-is while meaning absolutely nothing. And indeed no one knew what it meant because not a single one of the sub-Baldricks of the Leave campaign had detailed an actual plan for any particular kind of brexit, however arrogantly and aggressively some of them now insist on the “Will of the People” for the death-inviting insanity of No-Deal. She might also have pointed out, after the Nazi posters and a spike in hate crimes the referendum engendered, including the murder of MP Jo Cox by a brexiter who called her a traitor as he killed her, that it was time to heal the nation’s wounds. But, again, nein. Instead, she used her position of national leadership to accentuate division, amplify hate, and further provoke violence with dog-whistle sloganeering about “Citizens of Nowhere” and “queue jumpers.” She thus instantly further alienated the near half the nation that voted remain and even some leavers too. And, even then, she retained the unquenchable enmity of the fundamentalist Imperio-Isolationists who *now* came out as favouring the kind of Mental Brexit they’d previously and mendaciously denied they ever wanted or would ever happen. Feared on one side, therefore, and hated on the other, with the principled support of no one, and with nothing but the highly contingent loyalty of those who sought herr patronage, Thereza May had rendered herrself politically undead almost before stepping into Number 10.

After that, things got worse. Following categorical promises not call a General Election, she called a General Election. In the process she lost herr slim Tory parliamentary majority and had to form an alliance with some corpses from the seventeenth-century Irish Plantations, who she personally dug up from their graves and placed on government benches that now more closely than ever resembled a sit-down version of Michael Jackson’s Thriller video. Britain’s first undead leader thus became its first basically dead one, Thereza Mayhem’s appearance now so skeletally gaunt as well as angular and ungainly that she became entirely indistinguishable from her own Gerald Scarfe cartoon. Yet, nothing if not resilient, she staggered on blindly down herr hell-bound highway anyway—slowly yet relentlessly, bandages dragging at herr feet, strong and stable arms outstretched in front of herr, hands dangling limply from herr wrists—with a premiership so inconceivably demented that an infinite number of Shakespeares speed-typing until the End Times would not be able to conjure up such a clusterfuck of despair-inducing evil-intention, ineptitude, and catastrophe.

Thereza Mayhem’s deeds in this world, alive, undead, and indeed dead, have destined herr to a Special Circle of Hell where she will spend Eternity repeatedly screeching untenable demands at queue-jumping Citizens of Nowhere while being continuously kicked up the arse by a Honey Monster and laughed at by a gazillion cackling Michael Govelins, each one of them wearing a Jacob Rees-Mogg mask complete with evil monocle.

Thereza Mayhem, former Hate Secretary, late and indeed possibly the last Prime Minister of the country formerly known as the United Kingdom.