The Brexit Hall of Lame: David Cameron

The Brexit Hall of Lame: David Cameron

The second in the series.

David William Donald “David Cameron” Cameron was born on 9 October 1966. A pie, and yet also somehow a slice of ham with a face like an arse drawn on it, David Cameron was able to transcend his inherently mediocre capabilities in part thanks to his father’s augmenting a family fortune dating to ancestor King William IV through astute investments in the Channel Islands, Switzerland, and Panama. David Cameron also rose to great heights with such apparent casual ease due to centuries of carefully cultivated affirmative action for the well-born designed to normalise and perpetuate advantage for the few and disadvantage for everyone else. Young David Cameron thus attended the private and exclusive Heatherdown School in Wankfield, Berks, and then Eton “College,” Berks, before going “up”, as they say, to Brownose College, Oxford. There, he joined the Bullingdon Club, a strictly exclusive chaps-only society whose now famous initiation ceremony involves inductees inserting their members into the mouths of dead pigs, and whose members are reputed for drunkenly destroying restaurants, burning £50 notes in the faces of homeless people, and making life-time connections in business and politics that ensure they always give each other first dibs on top jobs ahead of their more able and better qualified but less hoggosexual peers.

From such materially privileged and yet in other ways deeply humble origins, David Cameron oozed his way into government before slithering into employment with an astonishingly posh PR firm and then, with this invaluable life experience under his belt, crawling back into politics again in 2001, this time as MP for Witney, a “Very British Problems English Poshness” Cotswolds Theme Park where all the people are named Cholmondley but pronounce it Chumley, all the towns’ names begin with “Chipping” and end with “-ington,” and all the houses are made of biscuits. He then became leader of the Conservative Party after speaking out loud for more than a few minutes without reading his notes, which in that environment is regarded as a spectacularly impressive accomplishment. And then he became Prime Minister, as one does, because, after the thousandth financial crash in a row caused by the profligate greed of financiers in collaboration with excessively pro-business government, the country decided it needed a new government that was even more excessively pro-business and that would make the poor pay for the reckless irresponsibility of the rich. Except of course the country did not decide that at all. The majority in fact voted for a combination of moderate-campaigning Tories and progressive-campaigning “Liberal” “Democrats” led by Nick “Nick Your Vote” “Nick Your Bedroom” “Nick Your Benefits” “Nick Your NHS” “Nick Your Education” “Nick Your Pension” “Nick Your Future” “Nick Nick” “Ole Nick” Clegg. Yet these two and their members collaborated in defiance of their mandates in the most vindictively right-wing government the country has (until now) had since the reign of William the Bastard.

David Cameron was fond of referring to the results his reverse-social-engineering as the “Big Society”, despite actually making society significantly smaller through a harrying of the poor that killed 120,000 of its members between 2010 and 2014 alone, according to a British Medical Journal study. More important than that for David Cameron, though, was his belief that using terms like “Big Society” made him sound intelligent. Indeed during his premiership he was frequently seen performing very deep thinkinessness by walking toward television cameras while squinting his eyes and stroking his chin, although, to be fair, he may actually have been genuinely attempting to summon up the focus he needs to walk for more than a few metres without inexplicably falling on his arse like some kind of bum-faced Norman Wisdom.

But what really secured David Cameron’s historic disrepute was his summoning all his rich-boy entitlement and recklessness by gambling that a referendum on leaving the European Union would gag UKIP and the Imperio-Isolationist wing of the Tory Party, but then getting his stupid arse kicked by, among a massive gallery of liars and lunatics, a fascist Man-Frog, a racist version of The Honey Monster, a bullshitting glove puppet made by an inexpert five-year-old, and a “haunted Victorian pencil” (in the perfect words of James O’Brien). Like the financial crash, Brexit will result in disaster-capitalist economic and social policies that will impoverish and kill many of the people who will be lied to and will vote for it all anyway. But killing the poor and otherwise vulnerable while laughing and stuffing their top hats with cash is what Tories have always done and will always do, so David Cameron deserves no special credit on that account. What really makes David Cameron Britain’s shittest-ever Prime Minister except the next one and the one after that is taking his county’s international image as a whitened and emposhened version of Love, Actually, and transforming it into a highly distressing mash-up of Monty Python’s Upper Class Twits and The Bunker. The new image is obviously more factually accurate, but will nevertheless damage Britain’s diplomatic and trading ties with everyone except, in ascending order of evil, Bond Villains, Saudi Arabia, and the US Pharmaceuticals Industry.

David Cameron reacted to his creating the most monstrous catastrofuck in British peace-time history by immediately resigning as Prime Minister and as leader of a Conservative Party that preaches Personal Responsibility for other people. He later resigned as an MP, thereby abandoning his Witless constituents as well. As the most astute analysis of these developments puts it: “what’s happened to that twat David Cameron ... he’s in Nice with his trotters up.... Twat” (Dyer, D., 2018).

David William Donald “David Cameron” Cameron, former MP, former PM, twat. Twat.