Boris Johnson’s Top Ten Tips for the New-Look Lockdown

1. Stay alert.

2. Wibble doff doff, whoooo!

3. Fantastic NHS.

4. We will fight. On the beaches.

5. Fnarr Fnarr.  

6. Chavs, losers, burglars, drug addicts

7. Back to work! 

8. Drunk, criminal, aimless, feckless, hopeless.

9. Britain, eh? Fantastic.

8. Maaahhh!

7. Innovation. Best in the world! 

6. Jumpers for goalposts.

5. Bullah bullah! Raaagh raaagh!

4. Fantastic NHS.

7. Picaninnies!

8. We will never. Surrender.

3. NORKS!

6. Successful. Brilliant.  

4. What ho, Pip Pip!

1. Vital plans, absolutely vital. VITAL.

5. Wibble, wibbly, wibbly wibble.

10. I was very … very drunk.